A simple guide to translating "Personal" ads

"Women Seeking Men"

Code Word Means

40-ish . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48
Adventurer . . . . . . . . . . . Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Possessive
Artist . . . . . . . . . . . . . Unreliable
Athletic . . . . . . . . . . . . Flat-chested
Average looking . . . . . . . . . Ugly
Beautiful . . . . . . . . . . . . Pathological liar
Commitment-minded . . . . . . . . Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important . . . . . Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious smile . . . . . . . . Bring your penicillin
Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy
Educated . . . . . . . . . . . . College dropout
Emotionally secure . . . . . . . Medicated
Employed . . . . . . . . . . Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera . . . . . . Snob
Enjoys Nature . . . . . . . . . . Bring your own granola
Excited about life's journey . . No concept of reality
Exotic beauty . . . . . . . . . . Would frighten a Martian
Feminist . . . . . . . . . . . . Fat; ball buster
Financially secure . . . . . . . One paycheck from the street
Free spirit . . . . . . . . . . . Substance abuser
Friendship first . . . . . . . . Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Annoying
Gentle . . . . . . . . . . . . . Comatose
Good Listener . . . . . . . . . . Borderline Autistic
Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Caustic
Intuitive . . . . . . . . . . . . Your opinion doesn't count
In transition . . . . . . . . . . Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker . . . . . . . . . . Lush
Looking for Mr. Right . . . . . . Looking for Mr. Rich
Looks younger . . . . . . . . . . If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves travel . . . . . . . . . . If you're paying
Loves animals . . . . . . . . . . Cat lady
Mature . . . . . . . . . . . Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like her last boyfriend did
New-Age . . . . . . . . . . . . . All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional . . . . . . . . . Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned . . . . . . . . . . Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded . . . . . . . . . . . Desperate
Outgoing . . . . . . . . . . . . Loud
Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . Really horny
Petite . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional . . . . . . . . . . Feminist
Redhead . . . . . . . . . . . . . Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable . . . . . . . . . . . . Frumpy
Reubenesque . . . . . . . . . . . Grossly Fat
Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Looks better by candle light
Self-employed . . . . . . . . . . Jobless
Smart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Insipid
Special . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual . . . . . . . . . . . . Involved with a cult
Stable . . . . . . . . . . . . . Boring
Tall, thin . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic
Tan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wrinkled
Voluptuous . . . . . . . . . . . Very Fat
Weight proportional to height . . Hugely Fat
Wants soulmate . . . . . . . . . One step away from stalking
Widow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nagged first husband to death
Writer . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pompous
Young at heart . . . . . . . . . Toothless crone

"Men Seeking Women"

Code Word Means

40-ish . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Adventurer . . . . . . . . . . Gets up from the couch to go to the fridge
Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist . . . . . . . . . . . . . Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic . . . . . . . . . . . . Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak
Average looking . . . . . . . . Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking . . . . . . Fat, grey, and bald
Educated . . . . . . . . . . . . Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed . . . . . . . . . . . . On management track at Radio Shack
Financially secure . . . . . I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life
Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable
Free spirit . . . . . . . . . . . Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first . . . . . . . . As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking . . . . . . . . . . Arrogant bastard
Honest . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pathological Liar
Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
Independent thinker . . . . . . Crazy
ISO Slim, attractive female . Would be better off with a labrador retriever
Light drinker . . . . . . . . . . Headed for AA
Like to cuddle . . . . . . . . . Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on . . . . . I read Cosmo and think this is what you the beach want to hear
Looking for Mrs. Right . . . . . . Looking for Mrs. Rich
Mature . . . . . . . . . . . . . Until you get to know him
Open-minded . . . . . . . . . . . Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . Really horny
Physically fit . . . . . . . . . I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself
Poet . . . . . . . . . . Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated
Professional . . . . . . . . . . Owns a white button down
Reliable . . . . . . . . . . . . Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Self-employed . . . . . . . . . . Jobless and eat nachos all day
Sensitive . . . . . . . . . . . . Needy
Smart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever"
Spiritual . . . . . . . Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Stable . . . . . . . . . . . . . Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful . . . . . . . . . . . Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills
Virile . . . . . . . . . . Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out
Young at heart . . . . . . . . . Pedophile